Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Driving With Crazy

As an (almost) 26-year-old learning how to drive, I had some expectations of what the experience might be like. Throughout the first lesson for example I couldn't escape the thought that it would be the perfect timing for a zombie attack. Now as I approach my 8th lesson I look back at those naive introductory moments in the hope that the living dead will actually smash through the passenger window and devour my instructor feet-first*.

On that note here are my top tips for anyone considering some driving lessons in the future:

- If you get even the slightest notion at an early stage that your instructor might be a sociopathic lunatic, you're probably right.

- Definitely do not pay for a course of lessons in advance.

As a die-hard Justin Bieber fan might regretfully say in about two months time (right after he invades Poland): I was just following orders, mistakes were made, ZOMG. It's about time I moved on and focused on what's really important, i.e. all the retorts I've been saving up for the tenth and final lesson:

1) I'm glad you've been able to drive since you were ten, were you a dick then too? You seem like you have experience.
2) Who would have thought someone going for driving lessons didn't know how to drive?
3) I know you really didn't like it when I messed up the gears that one time, but when you said that it really causes damage to your piece of shit car all it really did was make me really smile. Really.
4) Negative reinforcement, oh and plenty of shouting, is the best way to make people feel comfortable and confident on the road.
5) I stalled it on purpose at that junction the other day. The look on your face.
6) Passive-aggressively controlling the clutch and then being surprised when I can't get a feel for the car is clearly good instructing.
7) With that in mind, I like when you shout and swear about letting the clutch up when you're the one holding it down.
8) That time you said "I can't take my eyes off you learners for one minute" during my second lesson is probably an indication that you shouldn't be an instructor. Because no, you cannot, that is your job.
9) I just love your singing voice, do you know My Humps?
10) Fuck off and die. LOL :-).

* For the sake of your health and well-being I'll be revealing the name of the instructor and company I've been learning with as soon as I'm finished the course.

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