Sunday, April 18, 2010

Thank GIF It's a Boring Sunday: Jersey Shore

Hi, I'm a duck. Meet some of my good friends. A few of them don't know what clothes are, but man can they kick it on the ones and twos. I'm not sure what that means. But I'm a duck so whatever.

And, lest I forget, here's the perfect musical accompaniment:

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Driving With Crazy

As an (almost) 26-year-old learning how to drive, I had some expectations of what the experience might be like. Throughout the first lesson for example I couldn't escape the thought that it would be the perfect timing for a zombie attack. Now as I approach my 8th lesson I look back at those naive introductory moments in the hope that the living dead will actually smash through the passenger window and devour my instructor feet-first*.

On that note here are my top tips for anyone considering some driving lessons in the future:

- If you get even the slightest notion at an early stage that your instructor might be a sociopathic lunatic, you're probably right.

- Definitely do not pay for a course of lessons in advance.

As a die-hard Justin Bieber fan might regretfully say in about two months time (right after he invades Poland): I was just following orders, mistakes were made, ZOMG. It's about time I moved on and focused on what's really important, i.e. all the retorts I've been saving up for the tenth and final lesson:

1) I'm glad you've been able to drive since you were ten, were you a dick then too? You seem like you have experience.
2) Who would have thought someone going for driving lessons didn't know how to drive?
3) I know you really didn't like it when I messed up the gears that one time, but when you said that it really causes damage to your piece of shit car all it really did was make me really smile. Really.
4) Negative reinforcement, oh and plenty of shouting, is the best way to make people feel comfortable and confident on the road.
5) I stalled it on purpose at that junction the other day. The look on your face.
6) Passive-aggressively controlling the clutch and then being surprised when I can't get a feel for the car is clearly good instructing.
7) With that in mind, I like when you shout and swear about letting the clutch up when you're the one holding it down.
8) That time you said "I can't take my eyes off you learners for one minute" during my second lesson is probably an indication that you shouldn't be an instructor. Because no, you cannot, that is your job.
9) I just love your singing voice, do you know My Humps?
10) Fuck off and die. LOL :-).

* For the sake of your health and well-being I'll be revealing the name of the instructor and company I've been learning with as soon as I'm finished the course.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Thank GIF It's Friday: Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

Ladies and gentlemen, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls in twelve simple (i.e. incomprehensible) steps. I've even thrown in the ideal music to complete the entire experience (via fork/knife):

Warning: Contains scenes of mild peril

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

An open letter to the future

As someone who greets each Skynet-friendly amazing development in robotics with a healthy dose of fear and disgust, this new towel-folding robot should have been terrifying.

Instead it was kind of disheartening. I mean apparently it takes twenty minutes to fold a single towel. A TEA TOWEL? This seems to further emphasise that not only will we fail to see the machines take over in our lifetime, but we most likely won't all have Robin Williams-inspired robot butlers either. Who in the hell is my imaginary grand-daughter going to marry now? A human man? A human woman? That's not the imaginary future I signed up for.

With that in mind here's another petty grievance I have with a certain future-focused pop culture entity of my youth and young ranthood:

Robert Zemeckis, you have five years from now in which to develop hover boards as affordable, recreational products or I'm uniting the youth of the late 1980s to mount a civil lawsuit against you. In fairness we've upheld our part of the bargain by styling ourselves on the post-millennial kids of Back to the Future: Part II:

Queue for Dalston Superstore, January 2010

Monday, April 5, 2010

Drive-by Movie: Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)

Let’s face it, we don’t all watch films and Trololol men in the ideal conditions in which they were intended to be seen. Sometimes you’re sitting at home in your rainbow-coloured slanket flicking through channels and you just land 37 minutes into The Monster Squad only to realise that it’s not actually a kid’s film at all, it’s just about kids who in fact call eachother faggots and homos a lot. Other times you’re simply in the same room as The Ugly Truth, hiding behind a pillow and praying that you don’t die alone. And that Katherine Heigl does. Then there are those moments when you’re watching a film in bed, on your computer, in your Precious’s mother head-scarf and for whatever reason you just want to get it over with so you skip through to parts that look interesting. And that’s a drive-by.

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)

Reason(s) for skipping: A heady combo of sleep deprivation and the film itself being basically unwatchable. It states from the start that it has nothing to do with the original film, but it fails to mention that it also has nothing to do with things making sense and being enjoyable.

Percentage actually watched: Around 10%. I was about fifteen minutes in (and two extended musical numbers, oh lord) when I gave up and decided to make it go by faster. And then this happened:

What I think it’s all about: Sex and drugs and stuff. And iconic shots of women either naked or in their underpants:

Trailer Quote: “It’s like the original... on acid!” – Someone who has never taken acid

After that unscheduled two weeks in Dial-Up Country

I'll be posting entries once again on a regular basis. Seriously, remember dial-up? This was me for the past fortnight:

I should probably thank my lucky stars though that great-aunt Mildred finally upgraded from this system in the last month:

I'll be selling this equipment* soon if anyone is interested.

*Stethoscope not included.