Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Me & Bladey McGee

About half of Blade: Trinity (2004)
by David S. Goyer

FADE IN:

INT. JESSICA BIEL’S SHOWER

JESSICA BIEL has a sexy blood shower. After some sex faces she sits down and it turns into an emotional shame shower or something.

EXT. SOME ROOF SOMEWHERE

BLADE and DRACULA are there, only DRACULA is now called DRAKE and looks like he’s from the cast of Jersey Shore.

They vampire parkour through walls and windows and buildings and babies. No babies are harmed.

BLADE
Coochy coo.

INT. AN OFFICE SOMEWHERE

BLADE, JESSICA BIEL and RYAN REYNOLDS kill and injure a lot of people for some reason. Luckily no women get hurt. They beat the shit out of every male present who is not BLADE or RYAN REYNOLDS but they just tell women (sternly) to sit down or get out of the way instead. Because of feminism is why.

INT. A STERILE WAREHOUSE SET

Vacuum packed humans! Big computers!

BLADE
What’s the shutdown password? Do it.

They leave.

INT. STERILE WAREHOUSE SET REDRESSED TO LOOK GRUNGEY

That SASSY GIRL FROM AMERICAN PIE is there. And she’s blind. Also her face is fat now. She’s got a daughter too cause why not is why. (Note: Adding more and more things that don’t matter and are pointless to already periphery characters is called good writing).

Also KRIS KRISTOFFERSON comes back and he’s DRAKE now. DRAKE kills her.

JESSICA BIEL is sad.
BLADE
Use it.

INT. SLEEK VAMPIRE LAIR

RYAN REYNOLDS is topless (finally). PARKER POSEY is there and has dick envy. She goes so far as to say this.

PARKER POSEY
Everyone stop staying ‘dick’ around here. It provokes my envy.

EXT. JESSICA BIEL ARCHERY MONTAGE.

There is a computer screen with numbers on it to show how numbers her archery is. She archeries the shape of a cross.

INT. SLEEK VAMPIRE LAIR

CGI BLADE and CGI SUPER-DRAKE have an unengaging swordfight.

RYAN REYNOLDS (in voice-over) has kind of a gay lisp.

RYAN REYNOLDS
Blade Trinity, thundercunts!

He’s so likeable.

Tax this, cockjugglers!

THE END?

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