Friday, February 26, 2010

But does it make him happy?

Now I'm in Westmeath (whoooo, Westmeath, fuckin' yeah, said the Westmeath frat boys) at the moment, so Crystal Swing don't seem too unusual to me. The rest of the world though, I'm sure you're entitled to your confusion:

The call is coming from inside your cell phone!


One Missed Call (2008) & Saw V (2008) & The Unborn (2009)

What’s with all these films then?: I don’t know I just saw them all at around the same time and thought I’d be lazy and tie them all together with some kind of unifying thread. I considered the representation of women in the horror survival genre, but Katherine Heigl beat me to it with The Ugly Truth. Then I thought about discussing the role of religious iconography in supernatural mysteries, but I saw a shot of Heidi and Spencer’s big church wedding on The Hills in the corner of my eye and went momentarily blind.

So instead I settled on this unifying thread: All of these films are kind of shit! They also all feature Meagan Good mostly getting killed by evil children (wow Good year for you Meagan! Eh eh?). That’s really just a secondary theme though. Multilayered!

Reasons to watch any of these films:
One Missed Call
1) There is a cell phone exorcism.
2) For that moment when you realise “Oh Jesus, that IS Ed Burns”.
3) Meagan Good totally gets killed by a possessed-child-ghost or something!

The Unborn
1) There is a Gary Oldman spooky church Nazi exorcism.
2) You must finish what began in Auschwitz!
3) Meagan Good totally gets killed by a possessed-child-ghost or something!

Saw V
1) There’s no exorcism! This film is so boring that I actually skipped forward to a hand moving slowly through a buzz saw. And I hate gore though apparently I hate being bored even more. Life lesson for me!
2) Two of the main characters look exactly the same, which is confusing. Not as confusing as trying to figure out who watches these films though.
3) Meagan Good doesn’t get killed by a possessed-child-ghost or something but she does get killed so I’m glad she was allowed to show her range of totally getting killed in terrible horror films.

To summarise: I don’t think her name is short for Meagan Good Career Choices. Also who the hell is Meagan Good?

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Where the wild things huh?

It took a while but I figured out one of the many things that I found slightly strange about Where The Wild Things Are:












Why not figure out yours today?! Go team!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Me & Bladey McGee

About half of Blade: Trinity (2004)
by David S. Goyer

FADE IN:

INT. JESSICA BIEL’S SHOWER

JESSICA BIEL has a sexy blood shower. After some sex faces she sits down and it turns into an emotional shame shower or something.

EXT. SOME ROOF SOMEWHERE

BLADE and DRACULA are there, only DRACULA is now called DRAKE and looks like he’s from the cast of Jersey Shore.

They vampire parkour through walls and windows and buildings and babies. No babies are harmed.

BLADE
Coochy coo.

INT. AN OFFICE SOMEWHERE

BLADE, JESSICA BIEL and RYAN REYNOLDS kill and injure a lot of people for some reason. Luckily no women get hurt. They beat the shit out of every male present who is not BLADE or RYAN REYNOLDS but they just tell women (sternly) to sit down or get out of the way instead. Because of feminism is why.

INT. A STERILE WAREHOUSE SET

Vacuum packed humans! Big computers!

BLADE
What’s the shutdown password? Do it.

They leave.

INT. STERILE WAREHOUSE SET REDRESSED TO LOOK GRUNGEY

That SASSY GIRL FROM AMERICAN PIE is there. And she’s blind. Also her face is fat now. She’s got a daughter too cause why not is why. (Note: Adding more and more things that don’t matter and are pointless to already periphery characters is called good writing).

Also KRIS KRISTOFFERSON comes back and he’s DRAKE now. DRAKE kills her.

JESSICA BIEL is sad.
BLADE
Use it.

INT. SLEEK VAMPIRE LAIR

RYAN REYNOLDS is topless (finally). PARKER POSEY is there and has dick envy. She goes so far as to say this.

PARKER POSEY
Everyone stop staying ‘dick’ around here. It provokes my envy.

EXT. JESSICA BIEL ARCHERY MONTAGE.

There is a computer screen with numbers on it to show how numbers her archery is. She archeries the shape of a cross.

INT. SLEEK VAMPIRE LAIR

CGI BLADE and CGI SUPER-DRAKE have an unengaging swordfight.

RYAN REYNOLDS (in voice-over) has kind of a gay lisp.

RYAN REYNOLDS
Blade Trinity, thundercunts!

He’s so likeable.

Tax this, cockjugglers!

THE END?

Saturday, February 20, 2010

It's The Office meets Cloverfield! Or something!


Big Man Japan (2007)

Featuring: Hitoshi Matsumoto, Riki Takeuchi, Ua

What's all this then?: It's kind-of sort-of present day Japan, and a documentary crew are following an unassuming and somewhat depressed man as he goes about his daily business. What we've unassumed about him is that on occasion he gets "baked" by a division of the Japanese military. I feel it's necessary to clarify that in this context "getting baked" means he gets electrical currents shot through his nipples until he transforms into a twenty storey giant and then does battle with some equally large monsters.

Small confession: I fell asleep a lot during this. It might have something to do with the tone of the film being unexpectedly bleak and introspective but I think the memory foam pillow I was lying on also played it's part. Have you ever felt one of those things? It's like sleeping on a pillow stuffed with angel feathers.

That being said: There are some nice moments to be had, mostly involving the crazy monster battles. I'll try to describe some of the monsters for you, but I probably won't be doing them any justice. Some samples of the ones I was awake for:

1) A giant stinky flower creature, which may or may not have been in heat. Yes, that kind of heat:











2) A big lazy baby:











3) A huge stretchy cord thing with a comb-over that wraps its arms around buildings then flips them over:











Then there's the ending:
Seriously, someone out there needs to watch this and explain what the hell was going on cause at the moment I'm stuck on: Those crazy Japanese! Eh eh? What is this, Southland Tales?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

What's in the BAAHX?!


The Box (2009)

Featuring: Cameron Diaz, James Marsden, One half of Frank Langella's face

What’s all this then?: Cameron Diaz and James Marsden are given a fancy box and A HUGE MORAL DILEMMA by Frank Langella and one half of his face. If they push the button they’ll receive a million dollars but since there’s NO SUCH THING AS A FREE MAGIC BOX OF MONEY, someone who they don’t know will die. In this age of economic decline and vast unemployment we know that free magic boxes of money are really at a premium so there has to be a catch. Also, as we know, it’s 1976 again because it’s the absolute best time period ever to set a piece of freaked-out horror psycho-drama.

And what about the other half of Langella’s face?: Well let’s just say it’s not there anymore. I don’t want to give any spoilers but it has something to do with Mars. I think.

Hold on there now: Yeah this is from the director of Donnie Darko and Southland Tales (shudder) so it’s all a bit cuckoo. Wait, don’t jump through that poorly-executed CGI wormhole just yet! Whilst I think that Donnie Darko loses its appeal for most people after their teens and that everything in Southland Tales that wasn’t Sarah Michelle Gellar was, to quote Pulling, a bit… shit, this one is actually decent. It even kind of makes sense here and there, and when it doesn’t its busy building up a genuinely uneasy atmosphere that you’ll enjoy experiencing.

We don’t have time for this goddammit!: Calm down Taken, here’s a handy pie-chart.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Credible Actor/Trashy Film - Jodie Foster/The Brave One


The Brave One (2007)

Featuring: Jodie ‘The Oscar’ Foster, Naveen ‘The Victim’ Andrews, Terrence ‘The Creep’ Howard, Jane ‘The Why Am I Here?’ Adams and various actors of ethnicity

What’s all this then?: The Brave One wakes up from a coma to find that her Naveen Andrews got beaten to death and has already been buried cause duh you were asleep so whatever. She also has the worst friends in history so she gets left on her own to become crazy and paranoid. Good move Jane Adams, I can totally see why you were in this film now. So she gets a gun (very easily!) and also a Terrence Howard and then sets about getting her Taken on across New York city.

The only problem is: This film is no Taken. But in the spirit of Credible Actor/Trashy Film here are some points of note.

• She’s your ex-wife Terrence Howard, and she don’t do pro-bono no more.
• The Brave GUN more like. Ha ha.
• VHS tape, but it sadly does not turn into The Brave Ring with Jodie Foster
• TAKES A SHOWER FULLY CLOTHED. PAIN!
• BURNS ROMANTIC PHOTOS. SADNESS!
• LOOKS INTO A CRACKED MIRROR. IDENTITY, EVERYONE!
• The Brave One interviews Terrence Howard, cause he clearly has a voice for radio. And by radio, I mean rape. Seriously that guy always comes off ‘creepy rapist’ to me so I don’t know why no one has cast him as that yet. I guarantee success.
• SUPERCUNT
• BITCH-ILANTE
• There was still an hour to go at this point. Sheesh, maybe I don’t like Jodie Foster that much.
• I WANT MY DOG BACK

Spoiler alert: She doesn’t shoot the dog, but based on the way the final shot was set up I seriously thought she was going to. Cause progress.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Credible Actor/Trashy Film - Liam Neeson/Taken


Taken (2008)
(Read the previous entry for a bold revisionist version of the Taken storyline from some guy I met on the bus)

Featuring:
Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace, Famke Janssen, Holly Valance, Xander Berkeley

What’s all this then?: I’ll use bullet points cause we don't have time for this goddamit!

• Taken is sad!
• He’s sad because his 26-year-old daughter Maggie Grace is still pretending to be 17. And she is doing this very badly!
• HOLLY VALANCE
• Famke Janssen thinks a trip to Paris will help their daughter and also Mason from 24 is there.
• Maggie Grace spasticates over to Paris with her friend and, whoops, they get totally Takened!
• Taken is not happy about this, not at all, and intends to track down every Albanian involved in the Takening. Yeah, Albanians, who knew? Or should I say Al-TAKEN-ians.
• The girls have been Takened into the sex takening industry.
• HIGH SPEED CHASE
• After a while Taken locates and then Hostels the head Albanian into finding out who else is involved.
• He infiltrates a swanky party where they seem to be playing electro music. Because France is why.
• TAKEN IS GETTING ON THAT BOAT.
• Famke Janssen is just so happy to have her daughter back, and Maggie Grace really loves her father now for sure. So I suppose it was all worth it…?

And yet: The least believable thing about this entire film is that two 17-year-old girls would want to follow U2 around on their European tour.

Sir, have you Taken something? (Ho ho!)


A conversation with this guy on the 140 bus out to Finglas (2010)

Featuring: Me, This Guy, The 140 bus out to Finglas

What’s all this then?: I was taking the bus to someone’s house in Finglas, which if you don’t know Dublin let’s just say it’s not the most amazing suburb in the city but definitely not the worst either. I feel I should preface all this by saying I was with that lunatic magnet friend that everyone has who’s like “why do they pick on ME?” and you always know exactly why but can’t quite put it into words for them. Anyway a fairly well-dressed man stumbles to the top floor of the bus (yes, we have buses with stairs and everything!) and sets his Major Lazer beam of crazy directly onto my friend and sits down beside us.

Then wha' happen?: In a bold opening salvo he comes out with “ratchet-clank-turrible – have ya see that film Taken with Liam Neeson?”. Everything is being directed at me because I’m giving him actual eye contact and nodding energetically while my friend stares very theatrically away from us and out the window. Now I haven’t seen the film Taken with Liam Neeson but I have a general idea of what it’s about and would very much like to know where this is going. So I nod and say “oh yeah”:

This Guy: Ah-cha-cha-cha – shur ya couldn’t trust the bum boys – blabla-mumble-gargle – Jayzus listen to yer parents now and I’ll tell ya one thing, if you’re ever to see a beautiful young girl who’s givin’ it all up with no fight then watch out cause she’s workin’ with a bum boy and she’ll spike yer drink and then, then I’ll tell ya what, then yer fucked – garble-garble-mutter-fuckin’ foreigners.

Me (nodding): Right.

This Guy: Garble-gargle-ble-ble-ble – ah ya look like a good lad now so be careful garble-mutter – cause you’d be paralysed and you’d know what’s goin’ on and wouldn’t be able to do anythin’ – mutter-garble-fuckin-foreigners – Ah Jayzus it’s me stop, I’ll see yis.

Me: Take it easy.

So, in summary: I really can’t wait to see that film Taken with Liam Neeson.