Saturday, January 9, 2010

Mega Yawn vs Giant Disappointment

Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus (2009)

Featuring: Deborah Gibson, Mega Shark, Giant Octopus, Laboratory montages

What’s all this then?: It’s the showdown we’ve all been waiting for. Trapped in time. Frozen mid-battle. Buried in tedium. Really though this should have been a blast but it didn’t work that way at all.

Here’s why: Not nearly enough Giant Octopus. Or Mega Shark. And certainly not enough of them being ancient enemies who want to track eachother down and kill eachother’s loved ones like the Jaws family did in Jaws: The Revenge. Jaws: The Revenge is totally where it’s at in terms of bitter undersea shark-heavy tragedies of love, revenge and redemption. Redemption? Well a shark eats Michael Caine for god’s sake, that has to count for something.

That being said: The laboratory montage scenes are amazing. Gibson, that Irish guy and her Japanese love interest (take that diversity!) pour liquids from one test tube into the other. When the liquid turns goes black or something they look sad. Give-me-your-comedy-sad-face sad. Then finally, after all that hard work of pouring things into other things, they get to do puppy-chasing-it’s-tail smiles when the mixture turns glow-in-the-dark green. Science!

Also: They’re always kneeling while they do the science-pouring. I choose to believe because the wardrobe department spent that day’s budget on the lab coats so none of the actor’s have any pants on.

Here's an idea: The DVD cover seems to suggest that Gibson is the shark and Lorenzo Lamas is the octopus. Hands up if you want to see that.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Baby Monkey Business

My Monkey Baby (2009)

Featuring: Baby monkeys, strange Americans, condescending filmmaking

What’s all this then?: I’m sure these things are just as common in the US and Australia and so on but in the UK they have this thing called Channel 4 that has a knack for tracking down strange people, filming them going about their strange lives and going “Look, aren’t they STRANGE?!”. I think they’ve actually stopped trying to pass them off as documentaries now and kind of acknowledge them as exploitation pieces. Or at least I hope they have. Anyway this one is about people who buy baby monkeys and treat them like children.

Say what?: When I was young I asked for a pet monkey every time Christmas or birthdays would roll around but obviously I never got one cause of reality. So My Monkey Baby should have been right up my alley. But My Monkey Baby threw up in my alley. I’m glad that the option was never there for my parents to get me one and it scares me a lot that people with money (AND STRANGENESS!) to burn can have whatever they want. I’m not judging though. FOR SHAME AMERICA.

That being said: These couples were all very very nice to their monkeys and there was no sign of them treated badly or anything. And throughout the whole thing the monkeys were basically the same way Michelle Rodriguez is in films, meaning “Hey, I know this weird lady just put make-up and a dress on me or whatever but end of the day I’m still a monkey/Michelle Rodriguez. I’m aware of that”.

Dumbo moment: There’s a scene where the young couple come to pick up their tiny two week old baby monkey from the breeder and they go in to see the mother in her cage. WHILST CARRYING HER ACTUAL MONKEY BABY. She freaks out and they don’t seem to know why. Sniff.