Tuesday, October 20, 2009

When the pawn hits the turnips he thinks like a king. What he knows throws the boomerang when he goes to the fight...

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)

Starring: Wow, a lot of people actually. Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds, Matthew Lillard (Still alive, who knew?), Claire Forlani, Ron Perlman

What's all this then?: Jason Statham is a turnip farmer called Farmer. He's happy with the turnips. Then these things show up and they're really mean. They look like henchmen from the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I think they work for Ray Liotta. Anyway, they steal his wife and kill his son and you're supposed to be sad about that but if you're anything like me you'll be glad that gappy-toothed little shit isn't in the film anymore. Also having Statham angry and full of rage makes it 60% more likely that he'll take his shirt off. The heart wants what it wants.

Say what?: This film is over two hours long. It also takes close to two hours to type the full title. So that's about four hours of my life now that I've devoted to it. I lie however, as the DVD stopped working after the first hour and refused to play the rest of it. Everyone in the hostel was fine with that, and I can always watch Crank again.

Things that might have happened in that last hour: It got more exciting. Statham did in fact take off his top. Those Cirque Du Soleil girls who show up throw leaves at the Mighty Morphin things to confuse them thus allowing Statham to tip them lightly with his boomerang. That's what she said!

Best part: Statham, Ron Perlman and the Eurosaver equivalent of Legolas are walking through the woods when one of them declares: We can't go into Sedgwick forest! Of course not, I thought, Kevin Bacon is hiding in there.

Level of crazy: 7. Turnips and boomerangs and Sedgwicks, oh my.

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