Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Van Diemen's Land (2009)
Starring: A miserable bunch of shits.
The Gist: It's 1786 and the miserable bunch of shits escape a penal colony in Tasmania, run from some shooty soldiers and hope for the best. They don't have a lot of food though, so they end up having to eat eachother. A lot.
And then what happens?: Bollocks-all. You're introduced to a big group of interchangeable beardy convicts who each in turn have their head meet the pointy end of an axe and their throat meet the slitty end of a knife. It's like Wolf Creek in a way, except I wasn't able to walk out like I did with Wolf Creek because I was with company and didn't want to look like a wuss. A woman walked out towards the end though. I envied her giant handbag and her possession of a vagina.
That bad eh?: Basically. Wolf Creek had the sense to realise it was trash, but this one - with it's take-me-seriously face and DRAMATIC SCORE - has absolutely no idea. Just look at that poster. It's all bloody fur coat and no knickers.
The lesson to be learned: None at all, except that the Australian film industry needs to lighten the hell up. Less losers of the badlands more queens of the desert, thanks.
Level of crazy: 6. For the sheer relentlessness and tedium. Avoid at all costs.