Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Tá ocras an domhain orm, ya prick.


Van Diemen's Land (2009)

Starring: A miserable bunch of shits.

The Gist: It's 1786 and the miserable bunch of shits escape a penal colony in Tasmania, run from some shooty soldiers and hope for the best. They don't have a lot of food though, so they end up having to eat eachother. A lot.

And then what happens?: Bollocks-all. You're introduced to a big group of interchangeable beardy convicts who each in turn have their head meet the pointy end of an axe and their throat meet the slitty end of a knife. It's like Wolf Creek in a way, except I wasn't able to walk out like I did with Wolf Creek because I was with company and didn't want to look like a wuss. A woman walked out towards the end though. I envied her giant handbag and her possession of a vagina.

That bad eh?: Basically. Wolf Creek had the sense to realise it was trash, but this one - with it's take-me-seriously face and DRAMATIC SCORE - has absolutely no idea. Just look at that poster. It's all bloody fur coat and no knickers.

The lesson to be learned: None at all, except that the Australian film industry needs to lighten the hell up. Less losers of the badlands more queens of the desert, thanks.

Level of crazy: 6. For the sheer relentlessness and tedium. Avoid at all costs.

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