Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Tá ocras an domhain orm, ya prick.

Van Diemen's Land (2009)

Starring: A miserable bunch of shits.

The Gist: It's 1786 and the miserable bunch of shits escape a penal colony in Tasmania, run from some shooty soldiers and hope for the best. They don't have a lot of food though, so they end up having to eat eachother. A lot.

And then what happens?: Bollocks-all. You're introduced to a big group of interchangeable beardy convicts who each in turn have their head meet the pointy end of an axe and their throat meet the slitty end of a knife. It's like Wolf Creek in a way, except I wasn't able to walk out like I did with Wolf Creek because I was with company and didn't want to look like a wuss. A woman walked out towards the end though. I envied her giant handbag and her possession of a vagina.

That bad eh?: Basically. Wolf Creek had the sense to realise it was trash, but this one - with it's take-me-seriously face and DRAMATIC SCORE - has absolutely no idea. Just look at that poster. It's all bloody fur coat and no knickers.

The lesson to be learned: None at all, except that the Australian film industry needs to lighten the hell up. Less losers of the badlands more queens of the desert, thanks.

Level of crazy: 6. For the sheer relentlessness and tedium. Avoid at all costs.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

You got something wrong with your nipples?

The first 45 minutes of Showgirls (1995)

Starring: Jessie from Saved by the Bell, Gina Gershon, Kyle McLachlan and lots of other people you'd expect to know better

The Gist:
Jessie from Saved by the Bell is a real tough broad. She's heading for Vegas to become a dancer. This ambition proves difficult to achieve whilst keeping her clothes on and not having what looks like terribly clunky sex with Kyle McLachlan. Gina Gershon agrees. And by agrees I mean pouts and does cocaine. And by Gina Gershon I mean Pouty Topless Cocaine.

And then what happens?: Chances are you've heard of this and seen some of it on late-night TV and become slightly retarded as a result. It's also highly likely that your brother owns a copy. The gay one and the straight one. Possibly for different reasons or maybe they both enjoy it, regardless of sexual orientation, as exactly the same pumped-up blast of pure ridiculousness that it is. Because make no mistake this film is beyond genius and as you watch it you'll realise that there really is no concievable way that anyone involved could be taking themselves seriously. Is there?

See it for: I waited far too long to watch it and I regret every second of my life that I lived without knowing the full extent of the terrible acting, awful dialogue, ludicrous sex and Jessie from Saved by the Bell-destruction. In other words: a total classic you'll watch and watch and watch again.

Level of crazy: 10 to the power of a squillion. I like nice tits. I always have, how about you?