Sunday, February 8, 2009

What did I miss? Oh, more oily boredom.

Dante’s Cove: Season One (2005)

Starring: Lots of dreadful actors covered in oil

The Gist: It’s a few hundred years ago and this slightly-too-old woman and a way-too-oily guy are about to get married or something. They speak in stilted olde style English some of the time, but tend to drift in and out of it as they please. Some completely out of place rock music comes on. The woman goes for a walk and melts a girl with her wrinkles. Meanwhile the butler comes in with gayface that could break down walls and starts having man-fun with the oily guy. The woman goes back to the house cause she’s forgotten her Olay Regenerist and catches the dirty gays. She melts the butler guy and puts a curse on Oily McShine. He is cursed to look occasionally old when viewed in a mirror. ‘Whatever’, said the producers, ‘here’s some more naked’.

And then what happens?: Suddenly it’s the modern day, except it’s modern day by softcore porn standards so everyone’s fashion sense got stuck on 1995. Two oily guys we don’t care about are in love. And in waistcoats with no shirt underneath. They go to Dante’s Cove which is either a hotel or an apartment block, it’s really never made clear which, and meet a collection of oily men and women we don’t care about. People have oily sex with eachother. The women get a lot of not-very-much to do. By now you’re asleep and you wake up to the original oily guy walking around a lighthouse in leather pants. He powers the beam with a combination of oil and gayface. Then you realise there’s still another hour to go and that the trailer you saw on YouTube lied when it said that this was “America’s Number One Guilty Pleasure”. If that’s the case then America needs some lessons on proper trash.

See it for: The clothes, especially the crap that gets sprayed onto the girls. With each new scene you start to believe that they’ve been losing at drinking games to the costume department after each day of filming. Either that or they keep getting mauled by rhinestone-covered cats on their way home from the Lycra factory outlet.

Level of Crazy: 2. How something this dumb, trashy, supernatural, oily and naked could be so boring is truly a mystery for our times.