Saturday, February 7, 2009

Ten things I learned from effed up movies this month. Special Guests: Sally Kern & Christian Bale

1. If you fall in love with a mermaid be sure to wear a cute sailor suit and also carry some condoms in case you bump into an octopus rapist.

2. Smushing your hand in a waffle iron is a legitimate means of preventing your super-heart from exploding.

3. Try to avoid being turned lesbian, as your aspiring career as a scientist will suffer. Even your ability to see weird science-related things right in front of you will be affected.

4. Don’t go to remote places for a romantic anniversary weekend with your adorable partner. No matter how many times I learn this one, I still have trouble.

5. I would really like to watch The Living End and The Raspberry Reich with Sally Kern. I’d set up a camera and film her reactions. Youtube was made for that stuff.

6. I wouldn’t want to see Christian Bale at the point just after he wakes up from his nap and then gets handed his juice box by a trembling PA.

7. Pay no heed to supernatural serial-killers as Alfred Molina will come save you in the nick of time.

8. Too many Tilda Swinton’s can indeed spoil the broth.

9. Blasphemy is only worth it if you can sell some Big Macs.

10. Always double-check that Dr Freedom has given you a big enough bomb in case you potentially have to blow up France.

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