Tuesday, February 3, 2009

We know that it attacks you and you die


Splinter (2008)

Starring: Paulo Costanzo, Shea Whigham, Jill Wagner, Rachel Kerbs

The Gist: A young couple (Costanzo and Wagner) who are so cute and happy you could just die decide to camp out in some remote ancient woods for their anniversary. They laugh, they sing, they have no trouble putting up their tent and have a wonderful romantic weekend enjoying nature and looking up at the stars. At no point does anything go wrong like say, getting carjacked by a pair of crazed convicts (Whigham and Kerbs) and then being consistently attacked by the weirdest creature effects you’ve ever seen.

And then what happens?: But wait of course it does, cause young happy couples have to learn revolting, splattery lessons before they can be truly united. The gore and stuff can be a metaphor for whatever you want: marriage, modern America, Communism, the increasing popularity of Hannah Montana, Guantanamo – the creature here is zombie-esque so it can be applied to basically anything. And by zombie-esque I mean that it’s some kind of mould that craves blood so it attaches itself to the body parts of animals and people, “separates” those parts that it wants and sticks them all together to become a twitchy, bloody, bone-breaking mass of gloopy amazingness.

See it for: The survivors are hiding in the freezer of a gas station when one of them confesses that a splinter is infecting his arm. That baby has to go, and all they have is a box cutter and a cinder block. Lovely.

Level of Crazy: 7. Yay, disgusting.

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