Sunday, February 15, 2009

Shark attack in Bondi! Aw, no one killed.

Australian Network TV News (Ongoing)

Starring: Tits McGee and lots of stupid Australians

The Gist: I only have access to four TV channels in Melbourne, and the internet here is awful, so the majority of my news coverage for the past few months has been provided by Channels Ten, Nine and Seven. Yes, those are the names. So imagine if Fox News in America and Channel 5 News in the UK got together and had a big drug-fuelled orgy. Network news in Australia would be their brain-damaged crack-baby.

And then what happens?: You get weeks where the leading story is “Back To School”. They talk about how all the kids are back in school. They interview the parents. They have shots of children going to school. This went on for a whole week. Lower down you get things like “Olivia Newton-John’s former lover may not be dead”. I’m not making that up, I’m not that talented. My favourite series of stories so far was when there were some shark attacks around the coast. Surfers were getting bitten, and one or two people were killed. The general formula for the coverage went like this:

Reporter with microphone: How did you feel when you saw the shark?
Bandaged idiot on crutches: Aw, pretty scared, eh?

Back to studio!

See it for: The coverage of the fires for the past few weeks has been pure gold. One presenter after another trying to win the "Solemn Face, Grave Voice" Award. I’m quite sure there’s been some rubbing of charcoal on those Solemn Faces as well. One woman was going around the ruined towns in a fireman’s outfit and delivered this line: “The levels of asbestos in the air are very dangerous. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be here”. I hope she still is.

Level of Crazy: 9. I just had a look at the Channel 7 News website. They misspelled “accused” in the leading headline.


  1. Oh I do and it's good, but as you can imagine, the network news is what sticks out the most so far...