Thursday, February 12, 2009


My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

Starring: Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Jensen Ackles, Betsey Rue, Kevin Tighe

The Gist: There was some very fast exposition in the 3D (3-effing-D!) credit sequence that explained something about a mine collapsing and killing lots of people but then no, it was really a crazy miner killing lots of people with a pick-axe to the face. Then it’s a few years later and this bunch of kids played by actors in their early 30’s get pick-axes in the face. Then it’s ten years later and the actors in their early 30’s are now actually playing people in their early 30’s getting pick-axes in the face.

And then what happens?: This film is in 3D and honestly there’s no other reason to see it. That being said, this film is in 3D and you totally have to see it. If you like hilarious slasher films with insane amounts of gore and some gratuitous nudity (see below) then you really need to see one where all of it flies out at your face. Pick-axes, rifles, pick-axes, gloopy organs, pick-axes, severed limbs. In addition you’ve also got grizzled sheriffs looking at bodies delivering lines like “Happy f*cking Valentine’s Day” straight-to-camera and several people (including that guy who used to be gay on Dawson’s Creek) appearing from behind curtains and in doorways in the middle of conversations and basically going “Ah-ha! I am here, and you didn’t know that and now here’s what I have to say!”.

See it for: The extended scene where Rue plays the Nakedest Person Ever. She deserves some kind of award for sheer whatever-ness. It starts out with her having sex with this trucker (naked), then she chases after him with a gun (naked), then she screams when he gets a pick-axe in the face (naked), then she gets chased by the crazy guy in the mining costume (naked), and so on. And I haven’t even mentioned that poor midget.

Level of Crazy: 8. Why aren’t you seeing it right now? 3D naked!

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