Thursday, February 5, 2009

Think of the dumbest thing you've ever seen. Now imagine it going faster.

Crank (2006)

Starring: Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Dwight Yoakam, Jose Pablo Cantillo, Efren Ramirez

The Gist: Statham wakes up to video game noises and a Cuban guy on his TV telling him that if his heartbeat drops below a certain speed he’ll die. By sexy explosion probably. So he needs to keep his adrenaline up or no more Transporter movies. Sadly this doesn’t encourage him to just walk around shirtless in a gay sauna for a while, which is fairness would probably do it, but fun and frolics are had nonetheless.

And then what happens?: Purely for the fact that Jason Statham is British, I feel like he has a profound awareness of the ridiculous, a deep spiritual bond even. As such I see no guilt in watching and enjoying this kind of trash. Particularly when you’ve got cars driving sideways up escalators, hot guys in hospital gowns sailing motorcycles down freeways with huge erections, butt cheeks flapping in the wind, and lines like “Urinary sphincter? Check!” buzzing past you like mosquitoes on ecstasy.

See it for: Statham tracks down the girlfriend character and attempts to explain the shenanigans to her. His adrenaline is getting low so he tries to convince her to have sex with him right there in the middle of Chinatown, or he’ll die. She’s suitably hesitant but is soon berating his sexual prowess in front of the entire assembled crowd of applauding Asians.

Level of Crazy: 8. He also shoves his hand in a waffle iron.


  1. My working day would be very dull if I didn't have your reviews to read. I don't think I could bring myself to watch these awful sounding films - so I admire your dedication!
    Perhaps a scathing review of my least favourite trilogy of tripe would be good. Can you be tempted to tackle Pirates of the Caribbean!? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

  2. Ha, I've only seen the first two but I remember falling asleep a lot. Glad to hear you're enjoying the reviews though, be a dear and tell your friends :-)