Thursday, February 12, 2009

2008 is the Horny Teen Age, apparently


Southland Tales (2006)

Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Seann William Scott, Justin Timberlake, Amy Sedaris, Miranda Richardson

The Gist: Summarising this film is like someone coming up to you and saying “You know that show Lost? I’ve never seen it, what’s it about? Oh I only have time for you to say four words though cause then I have to go down this mysterious hatch.” But here’s my gold star answer for what Lost and Southland Tales are really about: lots of confusing nothing. The reason I bring up Lost is because around the time this film came out I read an article about the JJ Abrams-isation of popular culture. It basically spoke about how films and TV shows can’t be just that single entity anymore, they need layers of extraneous mythology whether it’s graphic novels or secret websites or whatever. The amount of interest I had in reading the surrounding graphic novels after seeing this pile of “huh?” doesn’t need any extra anything though cause it’s absolute zero.

And then what happens?: Many many things. Parts of the US have been exploded. The Rock is a missing veteran who is engaged to Mandy Moore, but he’s got amnesia/is being kept prisoner (maybe) by Sarah Michelle Gellar. She’s Krista Now, a former porn star turned-revolutionary who’s starting a pop career, trying to get production for some film and also launching an energy drink. Meanwhile you’ve got two Stiflers running around competing in a “who-looks-more-confused-to-be-here” contest. Then they get on a big zeppelin and The Rock, Moore and Gellar sing a song. In the end I think a flying ice-cream truck explodes them all.

See it for: If I had to pick a moment it would be the panel show that Gellar hosts with some other porn stars where they talk about current affairs. And her single “Teen Horniness is Not a Crime” (listen to that here). It contains the following lyrics: An overcrowded nation/Leads to sex frustration/All your legislation/Can’t stop teens’ masturbation. In fact all the parts with her are good, which makes it that much more frustrating that the rest of the film lets her down.

Other insane lyric I wanted to headline this review with: Teen horniness is not a crime/Observe the nerds who shot up Columbine.

Level of Crazy: 10. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still bonkers, so watch it. Then we can talk about it.

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