Friday, April 29, 2011

The Tale of the Inception Dollhouse

Are You Afraid of the Dark? (1994-1996)

In which I provide commentary on an arbitrarily chosen mid-season episode of a children’s TV show that’s over 15 years old. Internet!
Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society I blog you: The Tale of the Dollmaker. It’s a good start cause frankly I can think of only a few things more frightening than a dollmaker, one being the sight of Cliff Richards lounging topless by a poolside and the other would be somehow finding myself retroactively responsible for the production of A Serbian Film.
Dolls are great aren’t they? Her head goes all the way around! And this particular one can turn door knobs, I’m sure of it. Hang on, it’s Charlie Sheen’s favourite director.
Is there anything more normal than finding an eerily detailed replica of an abandoned house in the dark attic of that very abandoned house? I think not.

Let’s have a closer look.
“I agree with you honey, very normal. Now let’s see if we can’t chin our way across this room.”
 “Just a little further…”
I feel like I should say that at this point of the episode the mystery of the creepy abandoned house has been revealed and it turns out the little girl’s best friend vanished and her parents moved away because they couldn’t stand to look at the house anymore. That’s understandable, especially considering how many months and/or years it took them to meticulously build that weird replica of the house in the attic. I'm almost sick of looking at the house and I’ve only had to live with it for the twenty odd minutes of this programme.
I wish this show was real so I could go through that door instead of her!
I'll be honest, her sudden appearance from behind that wall freaked my shit right out. Anyway our plucky young hero gets dragged back from the Inception dollhouse (did I mention the replica dollhouse is an Inception replica dollhouse?) just in time. This part I have a problem with. That poor girl is staying at her aunt and uncle's place for a few days, and she has to sleep on the couch?
What in the hell is that all about? I mean I know I was a child in the 90s so my memory might be hazy, but I remember there being beds for children to sleep on. Maybe I'm misreading the situation though, in the very next scene it seems like the uncle might be building her a bed.
Either that or they're gathering leaves to fill her pillows with. This is when I started getting flashbacks to Funny Games.
Girl’s gonna smash up some porcelain I bet.
Or just some straight-up vandalism.
“Hey dollface, high five!”
Wait for it.
Waaait for it.
These guys know what I'm talking about.

Now our young protagonist meets a cute raccoon friend.
As you can see they just hit it off right away.
Ready for the kick?

Once the cabinet has been vanquished they're free to escape the dollhouse within the dollhouse by going through a Donnie Darko wormhole. At no point however does anyone contemplate the prospect of dying alone.
Dollface gets her hands back though. Hurray!
Unfortunately it seems like that is Dollface’s actual face. Well fear not - if anything this episode has taught us that life is complicated, and not everything will work out the way you expect it to. We could all die alone with porcelain hands in an Inception dollhouse that our presumably Wiccan parents constructed in the attic as part of their post-graduate degree in Multiverse Architecture. Now give us a smile.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Witches Be Shoppin'

Season of the Witch (1972)

Starring: Jan White, Raymond Laine, Ann Muffly

What's all this then?: I’ll be clear from the start and admit that I watched this film because I thought it was Season of the Witch starring Nicolas Cage and Robert Sheehan from out of Misfits (an up-and-coming young mentalist himself and potential heir to Cage’s loony throne). So sadfaces all round when it turned out to be an odd little feminist-baiting witch film by George A. Romero from the early seventies. It’s still mental though so no harm done.

Say what?: Season of the Witch apparently concerns ‘a bored, unhappy suburban housewife who gets mixed up in witchcraft and murder’ which is kind of true, but in the same way that Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans is about a member of the police force investigating drug-related deaths in Louisiana. No I won’t be dropping the tenuous link to Nicolas Cage.

Some notes: These were all written during the first three minutes.

-    A woman follows a man in a business suit through a forest, absently reading a newspaper. She gets hit repeatedly in the face by branches as she walks behind him. He also eats an egg with his bare hands and then there's a surprise baby in the flowers. SYMBOLISM Y’ALL.
-    Then she’s on a swing in a white cotton dress. Bodyform for you.
-    Hipster Kennel, newspaper-slapping
-    Phew but thank god it was all a dream. It’s probably nothing, wouldn’t worry about it. The end!

About the Hipster Kennel:

Then what happens?: Joan Mitchell (who most characters refer to as Joanie throughout the film which is more distracting that you’d think) starts to go a bit potty after her daughter leaves for college but women’s-liberation-so-hush-now-it’s-the-seventies. Women be drinkin’!


For reasons I can’t recall, possibly the weird hipster kennel dreams, Joanie decides to become a witch. This comes fairly easy to her because apparently all it takes is a bit of bargain hunting and some ingredients for curry.



For everything else, there’s MasterCharge. This is a fairly significant shopping montage, because afterwards she’s basically a witch.

That was fast!

To witch a long story short: She has an affair with her daughter’s boyfriend and then shoots her husband dead because she thought he was the evil dream monster trying to break into her house. This makes her a complete and utter…


Thursday, December 2, 2010

I'll be right back...

So about six months ago I told my blog I was just popping out for some cigarettes, but in actual fact I was popping out to GET A DAMN JOB. Anyway I'm back now. Right now at least.

Hey did you know it's been snowing in Ireland? This is my dramatic interpretation of how Ireland in general (and Dubliners in particular) have progressed in their management of these events:

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Thank GIF It's a Boring Sunday: Jersey Shore

Hi, I'm a duck. Meet some of my good friends. A few of them don't know what clothes are, but man can they kick it on the ones and twos. I'm not sure what that means. But I'm a duck so whatever.

And, lest I forget, here's the perfect musical accompaniment: